


Burn

by sunnyrollins (elwinds)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst with a Happy (?) Ending, Established Relationship, F/M, Post-Break Up, Tumblr Prompt, no one asked me to be angsty today but i did it anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-10-29 14:40:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20798279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elwinds/pseuds/sunnyrollins
Summary: This could have been their reality. It was for a few short months. But, like nearly every other good thing  Amanda had in her life, it had fallen apart at the seams.





	Burn

“One more story?” Jesse pleaded. Her big, doe eyes peered over to the man sitting on the edge of her bed -- closed picture book in hand -- and she poked her bottom lip out into an adorable, albeit dramatic, pout. “_Please_?”

A small smile settled on Amanda’s lips as she leaned against the doorframe leading into Jesse’s bedroom, illuminated only by the Little Mermaid nightlight that was plugged into the wall. A silent sadness, however, still lingered behind her eyes. When Carisi glanced back at her -- as if waiting for her executive decision on the matter -- she knew she needed to step in. He had always been powerless to say no to Jesse...especially when she would look at him like that. 

This could have been their reality. It _was_ for a few short months. But, like nearly every other good thing Amanda had in her life, it had fallen apart at the seams. It had ended as suddenly as it had begun, and there had been more than enough times since it crashed and burned that knowing it was her fault had kept her awake at night, filled with “if only”s. If only she could have just allowed herself to embrace stability. If only she could have just let herself believe that someone like Sonny Carisi could _ever_ love someone like her.

Maybe things could have been different. Maybe she never would have made that dismissive, off-hand comment to Fin with the sole purpose of keeping herself safe from being hurt again. As much as she subconsciously knew that Carisi wasn’t going to leave her to raise her children alone like Declan, or sleep around with escorts behind her back like Al, something inside of her refused to allow her to fully put her guard down.

“I think three stories is plenty for tonight,” Amanda finally said with a half-hearted chuckle. “One more and Uncle Sonny might lose his voice.”

Jesse slumped back against her pillows with a small, defeated sigh. “But I can’t sleep,” she insisted. 

“You haven’t _tried_,” Amanda reminded her with an amused smile. “Now go ahead and say goodnight.”

With another sigh, Jesse finally sank back into the cocoon of blankets she had insisted Carisi tuck her into earlier in the night. “Goodnight,” she repeated in a sing-song voice. 

When Carisi joined her at the door after kissing the younger Rollins on the top of her head, Amanda let it click quietly shut behind them, leaving Jesse alone to finally drift off to sleep. She parted her lips to speak as they made their way back out into the living room, taking a those few moments of silence to gather her thoughts before saying anything aloud. 

“Thanks for stopping by,” she finally managed, although she still found herself glancing away from direct eye contact when he looked over to her. “She’s been asking where you’ve been and...” she paused, the volume of her voice dipping just a bit as she finished, “I haven’t really known what to tell her.”

It had been an adjustment, despite Jesse being none the wiser as to exactly what was going on. The apartment had been achingly quiet since he’d taken his things back to his own place and stopped staying the night, and she knew that the six-year-old had noticed the change. After a couple of weeks without him coming around, she’d started to ask for him. But what was she supposed to say? That she was sorry? That things were changing for their little makeshift family because she’d been so caught up in protecting herself that she’d broken his heart in the process?

Sometimes the selfish part of her wanted to blame Fin. If he hadn’t made his stupid comment about “something in the water” at the precinct she never would have felt the need to go on the defense. But, realistically, she knew she only had herself to blame. After all, she was the one who’d said that they were just sleeping together. That whatever was going on between them meant nothing.

_“First Liv and Cassidy now you and Carisi. Gotta say I’m not sure what’s in the damn water here.”_

_“Okay, stop,” She let out a borderline painfully awkward chuckle. “I don’t know what you think’s going on with me and Carisi, but...it’s nothing.” He raised a questioning eyebrow, as if urging her to elaborate. “We’re both single, Fin. Sometimes people who’re single get lonely.”_

_“That’s all, huh?”  
_

_“That’s all.”  
_

“Hey,” the short word caught Amanda’s attention, and for the first time that night, she found herself really looking at him. “If Jesse ever wants me to stop by, you know all you’ve gotta do is call.” There was a long pause between them, and he studied her before continuing. “We’re friends, aren’t we?” 

"Are we?” 

He looked at her, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Yeah,” he assured her. “Yeah...of course we are.” 

She wasn’t sure why he seemed so caught off guard by the question. It certainly hadn’t _seemed_ like they had been friends since their falling out. They worked together every day, and yet they’d barely spoken a word to one another all month. Hell, he’d essentially told her that they weren’t before they ended things that night.

_“If you let me walk out that door right now, Amanda, just know I’m not coming back.”_

“Look, Rollins,” he continued. “I figured we both needed some time to cool off, but you know I’m always gonna have your back. Especially when it comes to the girls. So just...don’t be a stranger, alright?” 

A smile touched her lips but didn’t reach her eyes, and she offered a soft nod of confirmation without responding verbally. If only it were so easy to go back to the way things were before they’d gotten in too deep. 

Another silence fell between them -- albeit just slightly less tense -- and they looked at one another for only a brief second before Carisi shifted his gaze mindlessly down to his watch. “It’s gettin’ late,” he commented. “I should probably head home.” 

“Surprised you’re not headin’ back to the precinct. Don’t think I didn’t notice that mountain of paperwork on your desk before we left.”

“Yeah, believe me, I’m not in any rush to get back to it.” They shared a weak chuckle, and when he offered her a small, fond smile, she graciously returned it. “Give Billie a kiss for me, alright?” 

She nodded, and when he approached the front door, she had barely registered him saying goodnight. She was too wrapped up in her own subconscious. Memories of the last time she’d watched him walk out of that same door despite knowing what the consequences of that were going to be. 

If only she wasn’t too goddamn headstrong to stop him. To admit that of course their relationship wasn’t just sex to her. But doing that meant admitting...to him...to _herself_...that she was falling in love with him despite the fact that it terrified her.

“Sonny...” Whatever she had been about to say faded at the tip of her tongue when he turned to look at her before he fully could reach the door, and when she took a step closer to him, a flicker of sadness that she couldn’t quite place flickered across his eyes. “Don’t go. Please.” 

She moved closer still, her face angling towards his, so much so that she could feel him breathe out a soft, conflicted sigh. Not that she could fault him for his reluctance, after all. Her voice dropped into a whisper before she spoke again.

“It was never just sex to me.”

“Amanda...”

Her arms found their way around his waist, her cheeks subconsciously flushed, and her heart practically hammered against her chest when she whispered the next words so softly that...had they been any further apart...she was sure he wouldn’t have heard. 

“I love you, Dominick.” 

She wasn’t sure if he’d believe it. Hell, _she_ barely believed it. But she seemed to get her answer when he leaned down to capture her lips in a kiss that didn’t fail to leave her head spinning. Her arms moved to secure themselves around his neck, pulling herself as close to him as she could possibly get, finally allowing those walls that she’d spent so many years building around herself to crumble completely. 

Of course there was still a chance that it was too late to change things...that this was just for tonight, and she would wake in the morning up alone, next to cold sheets. But she knew she had to risk being burned in order to rekindle the fire.

And this time, she vowed to do everything in her power not to let it burn out.


End file.
